Anatomy of a Broken Heart
by AngeleyezViolin
Summary: What Dean never expected was to make up one morning, in a cheap motel room, in the middle of nowhere, with no trace of his brother. Only a note that said: 'I need some time on my own; I hope you'll understand. I'll be in touch. I'm sorry. Sam'
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1:**

Sam never saw this coming, never thought it would happen again. Not in a million years he saw himself running away again. Running away from his brother like this, in the middle of the night, no warning whatsoever, just in the spur of the moment.

Things had started to change for him a while ago. It's not like it was surprising for him to realize he had fallen in love with his brother. Really, it was not, he had been following him his whole life, idolizing him, watching every move he made. It was just natural that his feelings ran deep, he needed his brother; it was second nature to him.

The first time he ran away, off to college, it had nothing to do with his feelings for Dean. He just wanted a chance to lead his own life, away from his father's crusade, away from all the madness.

In his time as a college student he studied, partied and met lots of interesting people. Obviously he experimented quite a bit, in fact, he experimented with a lot of things, one of them being intimate with another male. But even then, he never dwelled in his feelings towards his brother.

So when Dean appeared in the middle of the night asking for help to search his father, his sole purpose was to help him, maybe reconnect a little bit with him, but then return to his life as an independent man.

When Sam and Dean became 'Sam and Dean the hunters', he never once questioned his feelings. But oh boy, had he know how things would change, he might have took another path in life.

That's how he found himself right now. Sitting in a motel chair, staring at the sleeping form of his older brother, wondering exactly when he had fallen in love with him. When exactly did it become unbearable to him to watch Dean put himself at risk in the face of danger? How his feelings flaunted themselves at him every time his brother flirted with a bartender, harmless chatter that had him questioning his own sanity.

Sam couldn't find another way to solve his problem, but to leave for a couple of weeks, or however long it took him, to sort his head out, to find a way to be himself again.

He had already packed his few belongings, and was currently pondering what to write as a note for his brother. Nothing seemed appropriate. Maybe a 'Dean, I'm in love with you. I'm sorry. I never wanted this to happen. But it never really happened, you know, I think I've always loved you, but now I just can't stand not touching you. I'm leaving so I can get back to normal, so I can be your brother again. I love you, Sam'.

But instead what he wrote was: 'I need some time on my own; I hope you'll understand. I'll be in touch. I'm sorry. Sam'

He took his bag and crossed the room 'till he reached the motel room door. He turned around for the last time, and took one last look at his sleeping brother. No words left his mouth, but his feelings of love, regret and sadness were plain to see in his watery eyes.

Shaking, he reached the doorjamb and left the room. Once outside he took a deep breath, reminded himself that this was the right choice, and slowly made his way to the town's bus station.

When Dean woke up the next morning he woke to a strange feeling of quietness. He wasn't used to not hearing Sam when he woke up. But he did not worry; he had probably just gone to the nearest dinner to get them breakfast. That thought brought a smile to his face.

Dean stretched his legs and arms still lying in bed, blinked a handful of times and yawned loudly. Still quite asleep, he made his way to the bathroom, looked at himself in the mirror and smiled. Oh yeah, today was gonna be a good day, he thought. After taking a hot shower and dressing himself, he made his way to the motel room's window.

That's when he realized something was off. In the reflection of the window he saw Sam's bed, all made up, and no bag next to it. He slowly turned around, his face the epitome of confusion, and took a tentative step towards said bed. His eyes were stuck on a piece of paper neatly placed in the bedside table. If his legs took him there, he did not know. The next thing he remembers is reading the note over and over, making no sense of it, not understanding what this all meant.

But when he fell down on his knees, the tear-stained note crumpled in his hand, realization dawned on him. His Sammy had left him, again, had abandoned him, after he promised that he was okay with being a hunter, that they were both now a team.

If Dean stayed on the floor between the two beds, one used and the other one untouched, for the rest of the day, well, no one saw him. And if Dean felt his heart shatter to pieces, well, no one was there to hear him.


	2. Chapter 2

Dean spent the next two days in a daze. He first checked the bus station, only to receive a _'sorry sir, I'm sorry but I can't help you'_ along with a fake smile and a condescending look. The town was rather small so he gave up trying to find his brother after a couple of hours.

Desperation had long ago turned into anger, and Dean was finding it hard not to start a fight with some random guy in the streets that couldn't identify the picture of his brother. The overwhelming feeling of sadness went away the moment he had cleaned his face in the motel bathroom, erasing the evidence of his time of weakness. That's when the resignation settled in, and found shelter at the bottom of his heart. Resignation to the harsh truth that he was not enough for his brother, never was and never would be. As much as it pained him, he would never be enough to make him stay.

Dean was sitting on the hood of the Impala the morning of the third day, the bright sunlight mocking his somber mood. It was clear that Sam was not coming back, that he was once again on his own, and he was trying to decide what to do next. He took a long swallow of beer and changed the bottle to his left hand. Ran a rough hand trough his spiky hair and drew a long sigh.

He finished the bottle and threw it to the nearest trash can. He got in the car and once seated, he lovingly caressed the dashboard, "I guess it's just you and me again baby" he said in a gruff voice.

He started the Impala and slowly made his way out of the motel parking. At least now he had a plan, and that made him feel more like himself. He was going to Bobby's. He would take a few days to relax and enjoy his friend's company, since he felt a bit lonely at the moment, tell him about Sam, and when he felt ready enough he would start researching for his next hunt.

After two and a half hours of nonstop driving, Dean had yet to turn on the radio or put on some music, though he was not in the mood. Therefore, he limited himself to humming and rhythmically tapping the wheel.

Dean was aimlessly gazing towards the horizon when a sudden loud noise interrupted his wandering mind. With an astonished look he registered the sound of the special ringtone he had for his brother. In a matter of seconds he had his phone in hand, the display announcing Sam was calling. Wide eyed and opening and closing his mouth like a drowning fish, he took the car to a rusty shoulder and stopped the engine.

The phone call went unanswered. Dean had yet to make himself move, and actually press the answer button, but he kept thinking his mind would magically do the trick. Miraculously, Sam called a second time, and finally, before the second ring, he clicked the correct button and pressed the phone to his ear.

"Sam" Dean's voice still sounded gruff so he coughed to disguise the evidence.

"Dean. Uhmmm …hey" Apparently neither of the two siblings knew where or how to start their much needed conversation, if the uncomfortable silence that followed was anything to go by.

"Look, I can explain…" Sam started with a soft hesitant voice. It must have struck with the older brother because he didn't let him finish the sentence. "Yeah, you do that, bro. Your note was kinda vague, don't you think?" Dean's anger was effortlessly palpable; it was etched in every syllable, overpowering every other emotion he might be feeling.

"Dean, please…" The oldest brother could never deny his Sammy anything, even more so when he resorted to begging.

"Just… Sammy, come on… tell me you're OK, bro, not in any trouble, right?"

"NO!" Sam was quick to stop his brother's worries "No, that's not it. I'm…I'm okay. I'm not running away"_ liaaar_ "I just need some time for myself, please let me explain"

"You're telling me you left in the middle of the night because YOU NEED SOME TIME FOR YOUSELF?" Now Dean's rage was back in full force, he could not believe the nerve of his little brother. "That's a load of bullshit, Sammy, it's got to be something bigger than that dude, and you're not fooling me"

"I…I'm… sorry. I…" So Sam was stuttering now, nothing new there, he always felt like an 8 year old again when his brother got angry at him.

Dean huffed into the phone, tightly pressed against his right ear, probably leaving it angry red. He was pacing back and forth in front of the Impala. The conversation was making him agitated, he needed to calm down, anger wouldn't help him get Sam back, nor make sense of the fucked up situation in hand.

He managed to back off a little, taking deep breaths while sitting down on the floor by the car.

Sam sensed his brother's pacifying, and tried starting for a second time, his voice soft and apologetic.

"I'm sorry Dean, I really am. I was a total, absolute idiot for leaving you without notice" He heard Dean's little chuckle over the phone, and it gave him the courage he needed to continue.

"Thing is, after everything that's been going on, me leaving for Stanford, Jess dying, hunting with you… Dad dying too…" Dean closed his eyes shut tight, he knew what was coming, Sam was going to try the 'normal' life. "I feel like my life is a rollercoaster, I can't find my own feet, I feel like I don't know myself anymore. I need some time on my own to figure some things out, to find myself"

Sam knew he was not telling the whole truth, but he was going to be as honest as possible, hurting his brother was the last thing he wanted to do, even if it was necessary to do what he needed to do, he would rather keep it to a minimum.

"And you can't do that with me Sammy?" Dean was hurt, deeply, but he would not ask his brother to stay with him. He refrained himself from pleading.

"Gosh… I… I want to be my own man Dean. Not your little brother forever, always for you to worry about, to protect. I need to know I can take care of myself".

"But you'll always be my little brother Sammy" The tenderness in which he said it made Sam smile. After a couple of seconds, the oldest gathered the courage to softly ask about his deepest fear. "Is it that you want to be 'normal' again?"

"No, Dean. I told you before, I don't want normal, there would be no going back to that now. Not that I want it either" His voice was strong, leaving no doubt that he was serious about the matter. "We're a team, big brother. Hunting is what we do best; we help people when they most need it. There's nothing else I'd rather do. No one else I'd rather do it with"

Sam's words somehow managed to put Dean's mind at ease; it must have been the truthfulness in them. He was by no means happy with the last couple of days, though it comforted him knowing his brother intended to keep hunting.

"Then you're coming back with me right?" Dean's voice was hopeful now, which made Sam's answer that much harder to make.

"Uhmmm. Not right now, I told you I needed some time to become myself again." "Then when Sam?" The line went quiet for a handful of seconds. "I… I'm not sure, I don't know"

"I wrote I'd be in touch, that's why I called. I don't know how long I'll need, but I intend to call every few days to check in okay? And I want you to do the same. I want to know what's going on. I love you Dean. This is just a see you later".

"My god Sam, you're such a chick. This is the fucking queen of chick-flick moments."

Dean's teasing tone brought a big smile from Sam. He felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

"Jerk"

"Bitch"

The older brother was smiling too. It was not the end of the world. He understood his little brother was not telling him the whole truth; he could cope with that, as long as he got him back in the end.

"Hey…" cough "I love you too Sammy. Don't take too long. You're the only thing I've got. Please take care" He was blushing while he said it, but it was the god honest truth, and the wanted his brother to hear it.

"Now look who's the chick" They both laughed, and it made them smile, so none of them felt particularly embarrassed about it.

"Later Sammy"

"Yeah, later Dean, you take care too"


End file.
